Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize