if you like me you must not know who I am
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
