Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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