i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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