I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
