I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
