I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
