In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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