burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
