He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
