These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
