I smell stomach acid.
the condom got lost in my hair
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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