Whod you bang
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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