I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
