i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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