I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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