Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Hippo gnu deer
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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