I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
