I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
