Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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