I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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