I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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