Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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