you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
