At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
