omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
