dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
