you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
