I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Randomize
