you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize