I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
