Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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