I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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