the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
