So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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