everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
