In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
