What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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