Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
