Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
