my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
