I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
