Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
