I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
