did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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