You're a womanizer and a bitch.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
