Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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