cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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