GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize