Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
