I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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