At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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