my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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