Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
