So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Who died my cat blue again?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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