oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
