We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
