I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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