sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
